Guest Post: The 5 Best Weapons for Surviving the Apocalypse
The 5 Best Weapons for Surviving the Apocalypse
By now, I think we can all safely agree that the apocalypse is only a small international scuffle or a minor disease outbreak away. If movies have taught us nothing else, they’ve taught us that, at least. And you probably wake up most mornings thinking, “If the end of the world comes today, how on earth will I survive it? Am I really equipped to rise above the panicked masses and live to scrounge for radioactive scraps another day?”
The answer is no. You’re not. You’re really, really not. But by the time you’ve finished reading this post, the new answer will be a bright, nuclear “Yes!” For contained within this ordinary-looking blog post is a list of the top five best weapons for surviving an apocalyptic event. Just keep one of these implements of destruction on hand everywhere you go, and you’ll be primed for survival, no matter when the mad scientists decide to finally unleash the jellyfish virus from hell.*
Machete: The machete is hands down (and, if you’re not careful, hands off) one of the best weapons you can have for the apocalypse. It’s sharp, it’s light, it’s easy to wield, it can be used for clearing paths and preparing food just as easily as it can be used for splitting open people’s skulls, and, let’s face it, it’s intimidating as hell. I don’t care how much trouble you’re looking for, if you come across some guy covered in blood and holding a red, dripping machete, you’re going to wet yourself, then hide, in that very specific order. No one’s going to mess with a man with a machete. (Note: You’ll need to find a way to provide your own external blood covering for maximum intimidation effect.)
Rope: This may not be the world’s best long-range option, but get in close enough to a would-be attacker, and you can deliver a hell of a rope burn. If there’s water nearby, a wet rope makes a really solid stand-in whip when no actual whips are within reach, and a rope is also excellent in extreme tripping situations, which will be more plentiful in the apocalypse than you’d think. Rope also has the extremely important added benefit of being really useful for tying things up, tying things down, and tying things off. When it comes to end-of-the-world survival, I cannot stress enough the importance of being able to tie things up, tie things down, and tie things off.
Gun: Just kidding. A gun is a horrible idea. It’s only as good as the number of bullets you can scrounge up, and odds are you’re not nearly as good a shot as you think you are, especially in a high-pressure situation. You’re liable to miss about 90% of the maniacs you fire at. Plus, guns tend to be rather loud, and in most post-apocalyptic situations, you’ll want to administer death as quietly as possible. A loud gunshot is sure to bring the bands of roving cannibals running. You’ll find that a gun is better used for clubbing people with, and if you’re going to club people, you should just use an actual club. Honestly, a gun is one of the worst weapons you can reach for in an apocalyptic situation. I can’t even begin to imagine why it’s on this list.
Your Wits: I know, it sounds stupid. “Knowledge is power,” and all that jazz. But where a dull mind may see ordinary, everyday objects, a sharp mind will recognize opportunity. Is that a tin can over there, or is it a razor-edged combination water cup and circular face-hole saw? Is that stream of flowing water a creek, or is it a nearby place to extinguish your body of the raging flames some madman just unleashed on your regrettably flammable clothing? Do you see the difference? In the apocalypse, the ability to keep your wits about you might be all that stands between certain death and only probable death.
Domesticated Buffalo: Hard to get your hands on, sure, but the elusive buffalo is absolutely worth the effort. Don’t believe me? Check out my new novel, Apocalypticon, and see what sort of damage the right buffalo can do against a ravenous zombie horde.
*Presented for demonstrative purposes only. Statistically, there is only a 3.7% chance of the apocalypse occurring due to mad scientist jellyfish virus.